guess who's back

Its been quite a while since I have blogged.. I have wanted to lots of times but have been kinda unorganized lately and couldn't really squeeze in the time. Lots going on tho so Imma do three in this one....be patient! good stuff comin!
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~~~~D E T O X~~~~

Recently I made a decision to go thru a 7 day detoxification. I haven't done one in over 5 years so I knew this would be a challenge but I decided to do it... The detox was simple, not a honey and cayenne pepper and lemon starvation type detox, but a fruit and vegetable, no meat no fish no pasta no bread no proceed food type detox... just to cleanse my body and give me a lil boost.

My day one was on a Thursday. Its funny cuz every morning I nibble on fruit while I make my love bug's lunch and then I can go hours without even feeling hungry and I often don't think about lunch until someone mentions the word to me. This particular day tho, from the moment I woke up I was hungry. It was so mental tho! Because I knew I couldn't have grits and eggs and pancakes or salmon croquette, I wanted them, but I ate my fruit. By 10:00 am I was longing for some Panera or Thai food or a chicken gyro but nope.. I ate my vegan veggie soup and loved it. The rest of the day was like this. I was thinking of food all day, hungry as hell and it was all mental.

I did a lil preparation before my detox, buying things that would make it easier.. bought lots of lentils, some eggplant, lots of fruits, veggies, salad stuff...I was so focused and determined.. and that initial determination as well as some support from a few folks that knew what I was doing kept me going. at the end of that day, altho very hungry, I felt very accomplished.

During the next 6 days I had bursts of strength and moments of weakness. I never gave in and ate anything I shouldn't have, but I shole wanted to.. Having to cook regular meals for my family was no easy task either. I wanted to sneak a taste so bad! I didn't tho... but I wanted to.... but i didn't...as you can see, gaining control of my mind was a challenge I did not anticipate but indeed became my greatest victory.

While my body was thankful for flushing out the excess hormones and additives in the food i was eating, the control I had over my thoughts was empowering and allowed me to focus on other aspects of my life that may have needed some attention... so overall, detox was a success and I am looking forward to doing another in the fall.

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~~~~What am I doing?~~~~

It is no secret that I am a lil tomboyish and since I was a little girl I have been rebuking dresses. I mean they are pretty on other women and I love to look at them and I can appreciate a nice one, but for me? ehh, no thanks.

So years ago in high school, I went thru a period where I tried to wear them. It actually wasn't so bad and I got lots of positive feed back about them so I wore one from time to time. Well after high school I lost that urge and haven't had it since, until now.

Thinking back, I haven't worn a dress since 2004 and that was under my cap and gown for my graduation from EMU. I didn't even know where to go to buy one that would look fairly decent on me so I asked around and got a few recommendations. Went to the mall and a few stores, ended up buying 4 dresses that I felt looked ok. Next step was getting the courage to wear one.

So dress day arrives... its fathers day, my husband wanted to go downtown and take the kids to the River Days celebration and since it was suppose to be hot and my legs a lil pale I figured why not start today... so I puts on the dress... and my shoes... and felt like I missed a step. Nothing to button, snap, pull up, tie, NOTHING... I am feeling totally vulnerable... very half naked... I walk out of my room. My husband and kids eyes got big, my oldest son was shocked and my lil fella ran up and hugged me and said I looked pretty. That was reassuring to me that I could do this.. so I did...

Wore it all day and was super uncomfortable. Wind blowing it up all the time, my thighs exposed, lol.. I was nervous to bend over the wrong way.. Man I was missing some jeans and a tank top reaaaallly bad... so I got home and took it off and put on some leggings and a tee shirt..

So later in the week I decided to try it again... I was determined to wear it for an entire day so early that Wednesday morning I woke up.. showered, put a lil baby oil on my legs, and wore my dress while I worked.. It was amazing how something that was so uncomfortable for me Sunday became comfortable while I sat at my desk... I was kinda liking it...

At lunch time, I grabbed my keys and purse and ran to my car... a major wind gust blew that dress right up and I think my neighbor got a lil 2 second peep show... Ugh, I forgot to watch out for the wind! Usually I love wind, love it on my face and in my hair, but NOT blowing up my dress! So I hops in my car, plug in my ipod and go... I am at a red light and windows down, 'Get Throwed' with UGK and Bun B and Pimp C n'em was on.. now in my normal every day attire, I feel fine listening to that but judging from the look of utter confusion on the man's face at the light next to me, it must have looked mighty odd seeing this girly looking girl in a dress with lil curls and lip gloss on bumpin that song... so i put on a lil Chaka Khan, lol...

I went to lunch, had a nice time, left and as soon as i got home, took off my dress and put on some hoop shorts and a wife beater and went back to work....

since I bought 4 dresses, I have too keep trying to get use to this... my sister is in town this week, matter fact, I'm going to a BBQ with her this evening, so maybe I will try again soon... I will keep you posted tho, lol.

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~~~~Change gon come~~~~

ok this is some serious shit rightchea...

I am feeling so many things changing around me and although I know that change is necessary and good and cleansing and strengthening, I am finding myself resisting it! I don't know why, my whole entire life has been full of change, some good and some horrible but I am tough and I know how to roll with the punches. Yet this time......... I guess I am just a lil nervous about so many changes at once...

I am going thru changes at work, we have new owners and they are changing policies and growing business. With that comes changes in my workload and expectations and team dynamics... I am adjusting to that every day.. means less and less tweeting, Im-ing, facebooking, and more loneliness at my desk work work working.. but its ok cuz I am blessed.

My kids are growing so fast! My oldest is about to start at a new middle school created for kids that excel in academics.. I am so proud of him but as a parent I am so nervous! His potential is so strong and he is such an amazing kid I want to be sure I give him the support he needs to do awesome shit.... and my lil man is making great strides with his development and learning... he is almost 4! and I am blessed....

My husband and I going thru growing pains but i am thinking we might be in a place now where some understanding has been reached and we can grow and just work on being the best we can.. He is an awesome father and friend. I am blessed.

My body is changing. I have been eating better and working out and I am still trying to free the athlete that lives in my heart and let her out.. I still have work to do but I am also still working hard on it.. this is a very odd confession, but since I had gained the weight I did, I have had an internal struggle with deciding how I feel about myself.. do I long for and yearn for my lil petite teen body I once had or embrace the woman figure I now have and just work on making it better... should I hate myself for gaining weight or just love myself for who I am...this may make sense to no one, but when I began losing weight a small part of me felt like I was betraying myself.. cant explain it but I have since moved on from it and I am now loving the changes I am seeing. I am blessed.

My relationships with my family are changing... I have forgiven some people that have really hurt me in the past.. I have accepted them for who and what they are and gotten rid of my expectations that they will hurt me or deceive me because I am grown and know how to protect myself now..having a clear heart is happiness.... I am blessed.

I have had a few of my relationships change as well.. you may all recall that I have several friends that I love with all my heart and would do anything for.. Ian, Crystal, Ryan, Winston, and Stacy. I have decided that with these people I am going to work hard at staying in touch better and keeping them involved in my life because it is important to have positive people that genuinely love you around.. I love these em effs so much... I am blessed.

I also have a new group of friends I have made thru the internet. The dynamics of these relationships are changing too. In the beginning, discovering our similarities and differences was exciting and fun. Learning about so many different people consumed us all. We were waking up to check our phones and computers to see what we missed, we planned parties and tweet ups and had dinners and lunches and BBQ's.. and in walked change. Personalities clashed, accusations made, lies surfaced, trickery, poor communication and little by little, the magic wore off. People began unfollowing and blocking people, talking behind peoples backs and these relationships crumbled. I have tried to be honest with everyone even if my honesty might cause the relationship to fail. I have been up front and direct and as a result, although I have lost some along the way and I am sure I will lose more, I must say has a result I have some amazing people in my life. I am blessed.

With all that being said, I am going to end this blog here on a happy note.. I am going to spend time with two of my sisters and my brother in law and my niece and nephew and enjoy the hell out this long weekend because I deserve it and I am blessed. You enjoy as well...

-Lala